Volume Two: Bandits Here and There Chapter 138: The Massage Technique

The old daoist priest squinted his eyes, pondering for a very long time, yet he could not recall any ancient immortal among the Taoist forebears bearing the name "Wu彦祖" (Wu Yanzu).

"Kid, don't try to fool me. Neither Saint Hongjun, nor the Three Pure Ancestors, nor any of the countless true immortals in our Taoist tradition is named 'Wu Yanzu'!"

Lin Changtian blinked. With a sudden stern expression, he put on a look of contempt and sneered, "The universe is vast, and how many transcendent immortals and great powers were defeated by the erosion of time, turning into mere handfuls of dust and falling into obscurity... How many years have you lived, you old codger, that you dare to question the sages on the path of cultivation simply due to your own ignorance?"

The old daoist remained silent. After a long while, he nodded, signaling for Lin Changtian to continue.

"Opportunities in this world are too numerous to count. I happen to possess a set of long-lost techniques passed down from the Central Plains, most notably..."

"Is this technique proper?" The old daoist couldn't help but interrupt. He genuinely found it hard to trust this unruly kid in front of him.

Hearing this, Lin Changtian收敛 (withdrew) his smile and said with absolute confidence, "Of course it's proper! According to the classification of the Central Plains, this is called... Rated-R."

Fearing the old daoist might misunderstand, Lin Changtian quickly led him down a crooked path: "Just think, what does 'Rated-R' mean? It means this thing is 'cautious and reserved,' making it easy for everyone to 'bare their hearts to each other.'"

"Then I won't learn it."

Lin Changtian:......

The old man curled his lips. Why talk about propriety with a daoist priest who made a hard-earned living by robbing the rich and giving to the poor, one knife cut at a time?

Of course, daoist life was very austere, so this "giving to the poor" basically referred to himself.

Choked up by the rejection, Lin Changtian felt quite aggrieved and decided to take the old man—who had probably only ever seen horses—for a metaphorical joyride later.

He said in a deep voice, "As for this technique, it tests the human heart the most. If you can withstand the test, it will be the greatest opportunity of your life, old daoist."

"What kind of test?" The old daoist furrowed his brow and slowly asked.

Lin Changtian closed his eyes, his expression torn with immense conflict. After a long while, he finally spoke: "This is a secret technique passed down from the Central Plains, one that often causes people to change color at the mere mention... It is the crystallization of the wisdom of our ancestors from a thousand years ago in the Central Plains—the 'Grand Massage Technique'."

The old daoist was somewhat curious. He had indeed heard of some methods from the unorthodox fringes of the Taoist tradition, such as turning stones into gold, capturing souls, and immobilization spells. However, as the Taoist gate declined several centuries ago and science and truth swept away all theology in the human realm, relegating it to the margins of mainstream knowledge, these unorthodox methods had never been seen again.

After all, even orthodox Taoism had become regarded as a dispensable heritage in the mortal world; aside from the fig leaves of history and doctrine, there was truly nothing left to showcase.

As the intellect of the common people awakened, science became the mainstream of the mortal world. As for the heavens, the buddhas, and the faiths of the hundred schools, to borrow a catchphrase from young people in the Central Plains:

If it is advantageous to me, then it is the will of the heavens, predestined by fate; if it is disadvantageous to me, then with a shout of "Ura!", my fate is determined by me, not the heavens!

Yet the emergence of the Awakening Era made the resurgence of all these mysteries a possibility:

Perhaps today's boundary-walkers could recreate the methods of the cultivation era—manifesting external Dharmakayas, flying on swords, and harmonizing their vital energy with heaven and earth... All these were being recovered one by one by the boundary-walkers.

Thinking of this, the old daoist revealed a rather unflattering smile—which could only be called a smile because the wrinkles all over his face happened to move.

"Then tell me, what on earth is this 'massage'?"

"Daoist priest, watch your phrasing; you can't play with this if it's too proper." Lin Changtian looked extremely solemn and said in a deep voice, "If you really want to play, you have to add an hour, sometimes two hours, depending on how clean the wooded path is."

"Huh? Aren't clocks used for telling time?" The old daoist scratched his head, his face full of puzzlement.

"This... if you insist on being so proper and still want to have fun, you'll need something that looks like a watch, but is actually a 'time-stoppage device,' which was common in Japanese adult films from many years ago... That thing is truly a divine artifact!" Lin Changtian sighed with emotion. Aside from killing people and seizing goods, this old man was surprisingly innocent.

The old daoist cast a sidelong glance at him and coldly asked, "What tier is that watch in the Central Plains?"

"Uh, theoretically it's A-grade, but sometimes it qualifies as a B-movie."

"Why is that?"

"Well, the clothes are a bit scarcer, the budget is a bit lower, and overall, there are a few more eggs."

Though the old daoist didn't understand, he could guess a thing or two from the joyful expression on this fellow's face. He brandished the mountain-cleaving saber in his hand, signaling him to stop playing the fool and get straight to the point.

"The test for this 'Grand Massage Technique' is actually quite simple. Once I shout these words out loud, upon hearing them, you must close your eyes and lie face down right where you are. You cannot hold anything in your hands, you cannot move no matter what happens, and you must keep your mouth tightly shut without making a single sound. If you violate even one of these rules, I'm afraid your soul will shatter and your Dao heart will be covered in dust."

"This brat really knows how to brag," the old daoist muttered inwardly, but he nodded, furrowing his brow in slight deliberation before speaking slowly, "I can understand this much; it's mentioned in the scriptures of the profound Taoist sects. Generally speaking, methods for cultivating one's nature and longevity follow the exact same logic."

"Then are you ready? Shall we begin?" Lin Changtian rubbed his hands together, eager to try. He had already hatched a plan: if he could secretly swipe the weapons hidden in this fellow's robe during the massage, then... heh heh, the tables would be turned.

The old daoist gave a slight nod. He said in a deep voice, "Begin. If I hear the Dao in the morning, I can die content in the evening."

"This bastard really knows how to put on an act," muttered Lin Changtian, before shouting out those words at the top of his lungs. True to his word, the old daoist lay down stiffly, letting Lin Changtian do as he pleased.

"Junior, why are you touching my body? It's awfully chilly!"

"Daoist priest, do not panic; this is undergoing tribulation for your flesh, commonly known as scraping."

"Junior, why are you kneading my skin and flesh? It's awfully painful!"

"Daoist priest, do not panic; this is reaching straight into your soul, commonly known as rolling the dough."

"Junior, why are you poking my acupoints? It's awfully numb!"

"Daoist priest, do not panic; this is clearing the pathways throughout your whole body, commonly known as tuina."

After a long while, the old daoist climbed up from the ground, feeling refreshed and invigorated. He twisted his neck and said lazily, "Junior, this 'Grand Massage Technique' of yours is truly miraculous! In just a short while, it leaves one's entire body feeling incomparably comfortable, as if one had just frolicked freely in a secluded, tranquil pool!"

Lin Changtian curled his lips. He was dealing with an old man from the Northern Territory, after all; this was still a proper one. If it were an improper one, the next step would be heavy artillery fire, letting you gallop horses across the battlefield.

Well, they could also have a water fight, except the enemy was strong and he was weak, and a single battle would cost the lives of hundreds of millions of children.

"Daoist priest, if there's nothing wrong with our service, I'll be taking my leave now?" Lin Changtian blinked, turning on his heels to slip away.

"Hold on." The old daoist pressed down on his shoulder and said calmly, "Didn't you say that making any sound would cause one's soul to shatter and the Dao heart to be covered in dust?"

The smile froze on Lin Changtian's face. He had been so focused on his manual labor that he had completely forgotten the nonsense he had fed the old man beforehand.

"Hah!" Lin Changtian raised an eyebrow and said with lingering resentment, "So what if you saw through it? I already lifted your bronze hammers and spiked club while you were getting massaged!"

With that, he actually pulled a club and hammers out from behind his back.

Upon seeing this, the old daoist instead burst into laughter. He picked up the mountain-cleaving saber from the ground and posed a soul-searching question to Lin Changtian: "My club and hammers aren't as formidable as this mountain-cleaving saber. Why didn't you take the blade lying on the ground... and instead fixated on those items inside my clothes?"

Lin Changtian was stunned for a moment before bursting into hearty laughter: "Ha, actually this is also part of the Grand Massage Technique! I felt the atmosphere was too tense, so I told you a joke to cheer you up!"

"Well, I'm certainly amused," the old daoist said with a smile, extending his hand once more. "Three thousand Saddle Horse Coins, no installments!"