Chapter 29: If Heaven Grants Me One More Life

If not for that line of poetry, if there were neither enmity nor gratitude, neither love nor hatred, Gu Yi would still have been willing to help her stabilize her condition, simply because he understood how unbearable the alternating chills and fevers could be.

Because he was willing.

When he first arrived in Luyang, he neither knew nor cared what the worn characters on the signboard meant. He had come to see this person partly to give Ma Yuan a bit of credit, partly to seek out little Yiyi, and so he came.

And in passing, he enjoyed a complimentary embroidered perch.

The charcoal stove beneath the rising crescent moon was still burning bright, the flames lively within the coals. Yet Mistress Ye, wrapped in a thick blanket, began to take off her clothes. Without a word, Yue'er hastily removed the stove, brought over a basin of water soaked with ice, and placed it before her, then opened the window for ventilation, letting in a rush of cool air.

Mistress Ye watched Yue'er busily tending to her and said, "These past two years, Yue'er has often caught cold herself from caring for me. Sometimes, even when it's snowing heavily outside, I cannot bear even the slightest warmth in the room."

"The frequency is getting faster, isn't it?"

"What do you mean by frequency?"

"I mean, is the alternation between hot and cold getting quicker?"

"It is getting quicker."

Gu Yi rose and clasped his hands behind his back. "I know how to write Spirit-Sealing Talismans, and I can write the very best ones. But the key is that separating the forces of yin and yang within you is extremely difficult. I’m sure you can afford the best medicines and have tried them. The Third Princess would hardly be stingy with the finest spiritual artifacts. So there’s only one method left, but as I said, you must be willing."

She coughed, clutching her bloodless fist, and forced a smile. "If I can be spared this torment, what would I not be willing to do?"

That was not so certain.

"Even if it means becoming like a man, would you still be willing?" Gu Yi pressed her.

Yue'er and Mistress Ye both looked up. "Brother, do you mean—?"

Yes, there was only that method left.

A warm breeze slipped through the newly opened window, pleasant enough for most, but it caused her to frown and gave Gu Yi insight into her state of mind.

The Ten Bends of Azure Water was an immensely powerful technique—this much was true, and he stated it plainly, as well as the cost that must be paid.

To most, the price seemed unbearable.

But to one with great ambition, such details were easily disregarded.

Gu Yi hoped she would be unhappy upon hearing of this method; at the very least, he liked people who were that way.

Yet if she was unhappy but had no choice but to learn it, that in turn would make Gu Yi himself unhappy as well.

Why is the world always full of such contradictions?

Now, Mistress Ye’s expression was indeed unhappy, conflicted, and it made one's heart ache.

There are so few truly good women in this world, and now there would be one less.

"Perhaps you should reconsider," Gu Yi said, his own spirits low. "I don’t want to…"

Mistress Ye neither nodded nor shook her head, perhaps because she herself did not know what to do.

"Can you tell me, if I learn the Ten Bends of Azure Water, what will I become?"

"I can. Your appearance and body won't change much. That technique is perfect from the standpoint of power and will not harm your body, but your mind will change. For instance, you might find yourself disgusted with yourself. And whether cultivating immortality or living as a person, failing to accept oneself is always the greatest suffering."

Yue’er at first was unconcerned, for whether her mistress was man or woman, good or evil, she was still her mistress. But now her heart ached—for if things were truly as described, Mistress Ye would spend her life in torment.

"Mistress… we… I…" She clung to her mistress’s arm, her voice trembling with tears. "I don’t know what to do!"

She did not know. No one did.

For the choices were death, or suffering.

Mistress Ye drew a long breath, her teeth trembling slightly as she smiled, "Would you hate me if I became a man, and came into your room during the day?"

"I wouldn’t hate you," Yue’er shook her head, "but Young Master said the path is full of pain!"

What a good child.

"Brother, let me ask you two more questions. Will I become a villain?"

Gu Yi shook his head. "I don’t know. People are always changing. But I do know that virtue and vice are not determined by form, but by the heart."

"Will it affect my cooking?"

"It won’t."

"Give me some time to think."

"Of course."

After airing the room for a while, the chill returned, so the charcoal stove was brought back in. This exhausting cycle wore out those who cared for her, but such was the lot of servants in every household. Still, the one who suffered most was Mistress Ye herself.

Gu Yi was only curious how a technique like the Ten Bends of Azure Water had become entangled with her.

The one who first created it—a name even little Yiyi could not recall after much thought.

Mistress Ye said she needed to consider, but did not ask Gu Yi to leave; nor did she want him to. They simply fell silent.

Gu Yi borrowed a book from her, and Mistress Ye sat with him to read.

Approaching noon, Yue’er entered to say that yesterday’s Chen Mingguang and Wu Gang had come looking for Gu Yi, which surprised both occupants of the room.

Mistress Ye’s eyes sparkled. "Brother, you’re quite popular. They’re not your schoolmates from the Immortal Academy, and yesterday was only a single meal together, yet they return so soon?"

Gu Yi understood her meaning. From the moment he entered the city, he had sensed how privileged students of the Immortal Academy felt—and rightly so.

At first it puzzled him, but after a moment’s thought, he understood. "If you had a sister who could make embroidered perch, they’d come looking for you, too."

"So they're after a meal?" Mistress Ye couldn’t help but laugh. "Then go. If you wish to entertain them, take them to the Literary Courtyard—the Imperial Delicacy Pavilion is a restaurant and won’t miss one meal."

"Thank you, Mistress. Let someone else prepare the meal. You should rest."

With that, Gu Yi folded his hands behind his back and left along the corridor to the front hall.

Yue’er stayed behind for a moment. The two sat in silence, yet both knew what needed to be said.

"Yue’er, I was just thinking—whether woman or man, I like you all the same. If I were a man, I’d be even more enamored of you. Why not marry me?"

Yue’er, trying to bolster herself and her mistress, said, "No matter what, you must live, Mistress. I’ve thought it over—even if it means endless suffering, I’ll bear it with you. But… I was also wondering…"

Seeing how she faltered, Mistress Ye knew the girl was up to no good, but after indulging her for so long, she only smiled. "Go on, what were you thinking?"

Yue’er glanced at a certain spot. "I was just thinking, if cultivating immortality turns you into a man, will you… will something grow? If it does, and you want to marry me…"

Mistress Ye: ???

Before she could finish, Mistress Ye threw a handkerchief at her. "Shameless girl! Get to work!"

She scolded her, blushing fiercely—this was the question she least wanted to face, and she had not dared ask Gu Yi about such details.

But in truth, she was deeply anxious herself. What made her even more mortified was that the wretched Yue’er seemed almost expectant.

Chastened, Yue’er dared not linger and quickly slipped out.

Left alone in the room, Mistress Ye held not a borrowed book, but pages she’d written herself—a chronicle of her own feelings. So many times, despair over her own body had left her with nowhere to turn but pen and paper.

Only the sick can truly yearn and make this wish: Heaven, should you grant me one more life.

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Alas, for all my pleading, you still won’t vote for me… T﹏T